I really don’t have much to say. I hope spring knocks me out of this mood, because I’m sick of being down. And I hope something comes along where I can get out of my current job.

Those are the words that come to mind when I think of my ‘best friend’. Yeah, I don’t think so highly of him anymore. Then again I don’t think we are friends anymore either. So let me tell you why losing my best friend has hurt more then any heartbreak I can think of.

In Sept 2010 I started a new job. I had just finished working a temp job working with graduation photos. I loved the temp job, but the pay was low, the hours long and the commute horrible. Sick of not finding anything I went against my promise to myself to not work at the local meat packing plant. I was scared shitless of starting. I didn’t want a knife job, which most of the jobs are. I also had no idea what it would be like. And had already heard horrible stories about the company, the people and accidents from my parents, 3 older siblings and friends who had worked there.

But I needed money, so I went. In orientation I met an awesome girl named Jackie, she would become my work buddy. Our first day on the floor we had to meet a trainer in the training room. I walked in and Jackie and a guy (the trainer) were there. He said we had to wait for people from other departments because their trainers were gone. So I sat down and started talking to Jackie. There was a stack of boxes of Mr. Sketch markers in front of me. I started telling Jackie about how I remember them from when I was younger and how I had one in my room for years that still smelt amazing. The trainer looked at me and said “THEY SMELL?!” He was so overly excited. I handed him a box and he smelt them for the next 5 minutes at least. Trying to guess the scents and he even made us smell one he said just smelt weird.

I didn’t know that moment would change my life forever. The trainers name was Erik. I thought nothing of him until later that day Jackie mentioned he was kinda cute. And then I noticed, yes he was. Erik was awesome. He checked up on me on my job. Even removed his earplug so he could hear me. My actual trainer was on vacation the first week. When she came back, well she was a sucky trainer. But Erik kept checking up on me. I was talking about Erik to my mom, who mentioned she knew him. She used to eat lunch with him, said he was a nice kid.

After Erik found out who my mom was, he picked on me. And I picked right back. I would ask him random questions and he’d always smile when he saw me. He gave me butterflies. I hated the job. My trainer, my supervisor, a superintendent all wanted me gone. No one believed I could do the job. I really just wanted to quit. My boyfriend at the time was no help, he just told me to quit if I wanted. But Erik, he believed in me. He told me not to give in because that’s what they wanted. I got switched to a new job, and Erik was there believing in me every step. Without him I wouldn’t have made it past my probation.

One Saturday in November I was talking to Erik while I waited for his department to finish so I could cap their vats. (Put bags over the meat.) That night I found out he had a Dresden Dolls song on his phone, and honestly had never heard anyone talk about them but me. My butterflies were gone. After that night I could talk to him easy.

In Jan 2011 we exchanged phone numbers. I had a Christmas gift for him. A box of Mr. Sketch markers. I was on the phone with him and he was talking about going to the hardware store. My boyfriend at the time joked that Erik could buy him a toolbox or air compressor for Christmas.  Erik asked what I wanted. I said gummi bears. He said really? I told him yes, then said no my butt will just get big.

I went to his house a week later to exchange gifts. I knew he had burnt me two cds, but when he surprised me with a bag of gummi bears I couldn’t help but smile. That still stands as my best gift ever. (The cds & gummi bears.)

We started talking on the phone for hours. I knew he was married, and yes I did crush on him. But I wouldn’t make a move, I’m not like that. I was happy just having him as a friend. When I realized my boyfriend at that time was horrible. That he owed me money and treated me like shit. I ran to Erik. Erik was there to listen to me and he knew what to say to make me think but not flat out tell me what to do. He also helped me realize how much I cared about my friend Chris.

Needless to say Erik was the friend that was always there. When his wife came back to the US we still talked, just not as often.  In December when he told me he kicked her out because she was ‘crazy’. I was shocked, but I knew he did what he had to do. He told me he didn’t know if they were heading towards the big D or trying to work it out.

This January Erik was working in my department. We sat together on break and lunch, everything was fine. Until the middle of the month. Erik just became distant. My phone got turned off so I had no way to get ahold of him, and needed to give him something. So one night I went to his house and gave it to him. And he mentioned how his girlfriend was down the hall. I got this crazy idea the next day to admit to him how I had feelings for him but wouldn’t take a chance. He laughed and told me he already knew that. So I thought things were fine, I was wrong.

One day after eating lunch with him, my friend Emily told me I should most likely stay away from him. That he was complaining about how his girlfriend was mad I went over there. And after then he just stopped talking to me. He’s only smiled at me once since, and it may not have been towards me. He replies to my text once in a blue moon. The last time telling me it had something to do with my letter. Aka he’s saying our friendship is over because I said I liked him. Yet, it was fine and dandy when he knew I liked him.

I guess it hurts firstly because he was my best friend. He was always there and he got along so well with my boyfriend Chris. But secondly, it’s because I loved the guy. I would have done anything for him.

I guess I’m just stupid, like this entry…

I meant to post this back during awareness week Feb 7-14 but I didn’t get around to it.

• Despite the fact that CHD affects approximately 1.8 millions families in the U.S.,  a relatively small amount of funding is currently available for parent/patient educational services, research, and support.

• Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 birth defect worldwide
• Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths worldwide
• About 1 out of every 100 babies are born each year with some type of Congenital Heart Defect in the United States (approx. 40,000/year)
• Nearly twice as many children die from Congenital Heart Defects in the United States each year as from all forms of childhood cancers combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for Congenital Heart Defects
• Each year worldwide 100,000 babies (under one year old) will not live to celebrate their first birthday
• Each year in the United States approximately 4,000 babies (under one year old) will not live to celebrate their first birthday
• The cost for inpatient surgery to repair Congenital Heart Defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year
• Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward Congenital Heart Defect research
• The American Heart Association directs only $0.30 of every dollar donated toward research. The remainder goes toward administration, education and fundraising efforts. Of the $0.30 that goes toward research only $0.01 goes toward pediatric cardiology for CHD
• Though research is ongoing, at least 35 defects have now been identified
• Although some babies will be diagnosed during gestation or at birth, sometimes the diagnosis is not made until days, weeks, months, or even years after. In some cases, CHD is not detected until adolescence or adulthood
• It is a proven fact that the earlier CHD is detected and treated, it is more likely the affected child will survive and have less long term health complications

CHD Signs and Symptoms:
Parents should be alert to the following symptoms
in infancy:
• Tires easily during feeding (i.e. falls asleep
before feeding finishes)
• Sweating around the head, especially during
feeding.
• Fast breathing when at rest or sleeping
• Pale or bluish skin color
• Poor weight gain
• Sleeps a lot – not playful or curious for any
length of time
• Puffy face, hands, and/or feet
• Often irritable, difficult to console
Some children with CHDs may not have any
symptoms until later in childhood. Things to
look for include:
• Gets out of breath during play
• Difficulty “keeping up” with playmates
• Tires easily/sleeps a lot
• Change in color during active play or sports
(looks pale or has a bluish tint around mouth
and nose)
• Frequent colds and respiratory illnesses
• Slow growth and weight gain/poor appetite
• Complains of chest pain and/or heart pounding
If your child has two or more of these symptoms,
talk to your pediatrician about a referral to a
Pediatric Cardiologist!

4-8% born with CHD have Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
4-10% born with CHD have Atrioventricular Septal Defects.
8-11% born with CHD have Coarctation of the Aorta.
9-14% born with CHD have Tetralogy of Fallot.
10-11% born with CHD have Transposition of the Great Arteries.
14-16% born with CHD have Ventricular Septal Defects.

I’ve been working a lot lately.  Like 52 hours a week. I feel like I’m wasting my life away, but I now have a car payment.

I’m not even sure what to say anymore. But, I’ll be back….

-I got a new job.

-I got a new best friend.

-I moved back out of my parents.

-I broke up with Andrew.

-I found someone who treats me fantastic.

I wish I could say I love how you look, but that would be a lie. I find such imperfections. But remember your eyes are gorgeous, and your smile really is amazing. I hate that you’re bigger than I want. I just wish I was happy with this reflection. I need to learn to embrace it. I need to learn that I am beautiful, and perfect.. just the way I am.

I need to learn to not be so shy. I need to just stop caring what people think. I need to live my life. And learn to love me, for me.

-Nicole

I wish I could tell my ‘friends’ in real life and online everything. I wish I could tell them why I’m so shy. I wish I could tell them what interests me. I want to be able to tell them my opinions, my feelings. Why my middle brother is miles away. Why I barely see my niece. I want to tell all my feelings, but I don’t. Because I’m so afraid of people will think.

You’ve changed my life in a big way. You’ve given me a reason to smile each day, to keep going on. You’ve been through so much and you don’t let it slow you down. You just continue on with life and have a blast each day. I love you. Thank you for always giving me a laugh.

-Nicole

Dear Andrew,

Thank you for coming into my life and helping me grow. Thank you for letting me get over Steven and for teaching me how to love again.

I love you,

Nicole

I mean there was that one lady who gave my brother & I a ride to school in the freezing winter one year. Not the brightest idea to take the ride, I know. But I did and we lived. I don’t remember it all now. But I think she was actually a friend’s mother.

Then again my 3rd cousin Billy was at the family reunion. I’ve never met him, but he was super sweet. He was nice to everyone and loved Roger.

Audrey Robichaud is pretty nice too. I’ve known her less then a day in real life, so only online. She’s really sweet! I’ve had good conversations with her about France & my nephew. She even said good job on my french when I said something to her!

I got another one! A lady who interviewed with me last week was friendly too! She helped me feel less nervous because she striked up a conversation with me! And while waiting for our 2nd interview that day she offered me the chair. But I turned it down. I really hope her & her husband got hired on. They were nice and seem like such hard workers.

I think that’s about it.

-Nicole

I don’t remember who I last made a pinky promise to. So whoever you are please forgive me. Also please forgive me, because I likely forgot whatever I made a pinky-promise about. I didn’t mean to, but my memory can be a bit lame.

Perhaps this is just a reason I should make more pinky-promises. Perhaps…

-Nicole